SIYAHWEH

Sa gitna ng malalim na gabi, heto ako gising na gising pa. Malikot ang mga mata, nagmamasid sa apat na sulok ng silid. Nagmumuni-muni. Delikado, seryoso, ang gulo. Ano bang mayroon sa isip ko? Isa lang ang malinaw. Ayaw ko pa mahimbing. Kasing lalim ng kalangitan ang aking damdamin. Di mawari anong mayroon. Problema na hindi matanto, unti-unting inuungkat ang bagay na pinaghuhugutan nito. Malabo, delikado. Ayoko na bumalik sa nakaraan, bakas ang takot sa bawat panginginig ng kamay, pagpikit ng singkit at namumulang mata. Ayaw nang alalahanin pa......

Alam ko ang sagot, pero bakit hindi maabot. SIYA! SIYA nga! SIYA nga! Sigaw ng aking kabuuan. Nanginginig ang buong katawan sa napagtanto kung ano o sino ang gamot sa nadarama. Pero, ano ito? Bakit may tila bagay na gumagapos ng mahigpit sa aking mga braso, sabay ang pag akyat at pagbaba ng pwersa na bumabalot sa aking katawan. Hinahatak ako malayo sa kanya! Tila naging isang parang ang maliit na silid, ngunit hindi ito katulad ng isang bukid at maaliwalas na lugar. Madilim ito at malamig, sa di kalayuan ay may liwanag. Doon Siya, naghihintay, inaabot ang kamay. Bumibilis ang tibok ng aking puso! Tila ba hinahanap ng bawat pintig ang Siyang nandoon sa liwanag. Gusto kong lumapit at puntahan ito. Gustong gusto ko! Magulo na tahimik ang lugar. Malamig, ayoko sa lamig. Takot ako sa lamig. Habang pinipilit ng mga paa na lumapit sa Kanya, bumakat sa paningin ang nakaraang ayoko nang balikan! Umatras pabalik ang kaliwang paa. Nanginginig ngunit nais talaga ng aking kabuuan na lapitan ang liwanag at Siyang naroon. Unti-unting may gumuhit na matinding sakit mula sa bunbunan papuntang sentido. Matindi ang sakit, hindi ko makayanan. Bumabalik ang bawat kasalanan na aking nagawa. Karumihan na nagpababa sa akin. Mga sikretong ayaw na mabuksan pa, baho ng aking pagkatao. Bawat alaala ay masakit, lalong tumutindi. Sasabog na ata ang ulo sa sobrang sakit, nanunuot lahat ng nakaraan, pinipilas ang puso. Bumabagal ang tibok.

Gusto ko nang mawalan ng malay upang matakasan ang sakit. Pilit na ipinikit ang lumuluhang mga mata. Mahapdi ngunit kailangan upang ang sakit ay maibsan. Sa mabagal na tibok ng puso'y naroon pa din ang pagsusumikap na puntahan Siya. Isip pa din ang buhay. Hindi maibukas ang mga labi. Kahit ang dila ay tila nawalang ng kakayahang magsalita. Puso'y nagpupumiglas mula sa sakit at nais takbuhin Siya.
Bumibilis muli ang tibok, nababawasan ang sakit. Nakatuon lang ang aking paningin sa Kanya. Mula sa liwanag ay may kislap pagkabilis-bilis. KIDLAT! Ayoko ng kidlat. Takot ako dito. May pwersa nanaman na pilit akong ibinabalik sa aking kinalagyan. Ibinigay ang aking buong lakas upang lumaban. Pilit na inihakbang ang mabibigat na mga paa. Pilit na itinataas ang kamay sa Kanya. "Abutin mo ako! Tulungan mo ako! Hindi ko na kaya! Kailangan kita! IKAW IKAW IKAW!" pagkabigkas ay tuluyan nang nawalan ng lakas at tuluyang bumigay...................... talo na ako.... "HINDI!" Isang tinig na hindi sa akin. Tinig na nagbigay ng muling pagtibok ng aking puso. Isang tinig na nag bigay buhay sa akin. Hinawakan Niya ako, kinuha mula sa madilim at malamig na lugar na iyon. Dama ko ang Kanyang init. Init na kailanman hindi ko naramdaman. Binigyan ako nito ng kapahingahan. Ang sarap sa piling Niya. Ayoko nang umalis, ayoko nang iwan Siya. Sabit ito sa isipan, sabay ang pikit ng mga mata.

Mainit, tahimik at maaliwalas ang pakiramdam. Kakaiba ito. Mga matay minulat mula sa pagkakahimbing, heto na muli ako sa aking silid. Ngunit may kakaiba, naroon pa din ang presensya Niya. Napagtanto kong nakahimlay pala ang aking ulo sa kanyang hita. Isang ngiti ang aking nasilayan sa kanya. Tumibok ng mabilis ang aking puso. Galak at matinding kasiyahan ang naramdaman sa pagsilay nito. May butil ng luha sa aking mga mata, hindi ito mapigilan. Kasiyahan ang nadarama, wala na ang bakas ng nakaraan, walang ano mang kahihiyan o pagkahiya. Tanging Pag-ibig lang ang ikinukubli ng kaloob-looban ng puso. "Salamat at patawad" ang tanging nasabi at patuloy sa pag hikbi. Pinunasan Niya ang mga luha. Ngumiti muli at akong hinagkan.

Nawala ang mga bahid ng karumihan ang kadiliman sa kaloob-looban. Mga takot, galit, hiya na ikinubli sa matagal ng panahon nawala sa Kanyang pagyakap, sa Kanyang Pagmamahal. Iniligtas Niya ako mula sa gitna ng kadiliman. Minahal Niya ako sa kabila ng lahat lahat ng aking madumi at kasuklamsuklam na nakaraan. Nadama ko ang kapanatagan sa piling Niya, walang hanggang pagmamahal, walang hanggang kasiyahan.
Ang Aking Nag-iisang TAGAPAGLIGTAS AY SIYAhweh.

Worry..not!

Last Year's Summer Vacation in Camarines Norte

Suppose to be tomorrow would our last day on school, but since our prof on English made an extension on Tuesday next week, I guess I just have to work with him, for my grades. Anyways, Its been so long since I have blogged, and this time there are a lot of things changed. I want to express my thoughts on Filipino and in English, to practice my chosen course. I believe that after I turned seventeen, God allows many things to change. I'm looking forward for summer but not merely vacation, but summer Job. I don't know, but i guess I have to.

It was just last February, a friend of mine on church was on a deep problem in terms of their financial standards, and was bothered about her education, cause she's about to graduate on high school. She was very problematic on her relationship, school, and family. I was there to listen and to pray for her, knowing that she needs God more than I do, and now I never expect that I might experience her problem too.

As of March 2nd, Daddy went to the hospital to have his check up. I'm not use to see him to go to the doctor when his asthma attacks, I've never seen him this way. Then, after his Check up, mom said daddy was positive on a mild pneumonia. I was bothered, and check out on the internet what pneumonia is, and I thank God that It was just mild. Another challenge comes in, my mama on dad's side, was also ill. Cough and Asthma. Mom recommended her to have a check up. The doctor said that mama needs confinement on the hospital, and since mama doesn't want to be hospitalized, she came on our house and stayed for a week. On that moment, I was not worrying much. Until Sunday came, March 13th, It was Pbr who delivered the message it was about the Holy Fire that needs to keep on burning in God's presence. As he was delivering his message, God is talking into my heart. I need Him more, my Dad needs total healing and Pbr was talking about diseases physically and spiritually to be healed. Pbr ask for altar call, and I can't help my self to not go there and pray and cry out to the Lord what our family needs. What our Family's diseases physically and Spiritually that needs God's cure, God's forgiveness, and God's sovereignty. After that, I feel like God will respond to all my prayers right away. Then, I stay in church until 8pm for our practice and others. While I was on my way home, I pray inside the car, "Lord I need Your protection, gabi na po kasi, mag na-nine pm na". Then I was about to ride another jeep, and all of a sudden the driver's assistant (kunduktor.. ang arte kasi eh) said that, "ate yung cellphone mo kinuha nung lalaki!".. I was shocked and unable to respond quickly. I went outside the jeep and followed the guy who snatched my phone, yet I wasn't able to find him cause my dad and mom would be so worried cause its late. So i leaved it all to God. I got home quarter to 10, and my dad was so mad. He said that We might go and find another church. I prayed and cried to the Lord, what is His purpose on doing this? I prayed for my family, then why problems occurred all of a sudden. I send text messages to Pbr through my Mom's phone.I said I might be ban or lie low on the ministry. Pbr explained that it's the enemy's tactic to shaken my faith, because of what I prayed on the altar earlier that day.

So then, I have seen changes happening within our family for the following days, our prayer life and devotion as family. This morning dad woke me up and before we go down to eat breakfast he ask me to join with him in prayer. My heart was rejoicing, God is touching my dad's heart. I know God will heal my dad, and when He is completely healed, he will be able to work again.

The Picture above is me, symbolizing my way of thinking before, "worrying" about tomorrow, about my dad, about my school, about our financial status, moreover, about our future. But See that, I was looking above, Looking unto God and saying, You have plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and this will be temporary, each day has enough trouble on its own (matt.6:34)

In case of these trials, I will still praise God because He is the ONE WHO GIVES and TAKES AWAY. He is Sovereign above all! And He said "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life....." Matthew 6:25-34.

And I am holding onto God's words when He says v.34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." God bless!